What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 07:12
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Im still living with it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Who then, do I blame.?
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I was 9 years of age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She married twice! .
How good do you sing and how do you know this?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is soul school!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
All the time i was locked up.
I could never make a relationship work though!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He knew the spot.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I waited trembling.
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!